Resolving Conflicts with the Ex
One of the most confusing things I encountered a few years after my divorce was my son’s father dating and introducing a woman and her child to my son. I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. The boy was a real troublemaker. My ex agreed when I confronted him with the idea that this boy was a bad influence on our son. Thank God!
Then came the second challenging step. He went on to remarry and at first I really liked this woman who was now my son’s stepmother. But things disintegrated over her idea of what being a stepmother meant and also over money within the year. What have I learned that I can pass on? I would say that one of the best tools for handling such disagreements, instead of calling your lawyer, would have been a mediator.
Mediation is not something most people come across unless they are signing an employment agreement. It is the only tool I know of that is structured to be win-win for all parties involved. I am not taking away from counseling; just saying that the resolution with a skilled mediator is very child-focused, especially in divorce, custody disputes or say which neighborhood your child will attend school in. Mediators help opposing parties negotiate agreements peacefully and quickly.
Brief counseling is a tool for immediate individual solutions as far as reinforcing your strengths and successful strategies you may already have tried or thought of. It’s limitations are that it tends to be one-on-one or at the most two clients in the room with clients alternating in and out. Counselors who are familiar with brief counseling are a good option for mediation because they tackle issues one at a time, according to your priorities.
Group or systems counseling might be tricky with two blended families. The group may be too big; even with two counselors in the room. For groups of nine or less, it is probably worth trying for building better long-term relationships. Should you desire to pursue this route - bringing the adults in the family together for the first meeting would allow for a few kinks to be ironed out before the children are included.
Peacemaking is a process that requires a lot of introspection on your part. How much are you willing to give up in order to be constructive? How do you pick your battles wisely? Remember in the end, it is not about control or who “wins,” but how to benefit your child. Co-parenting without villainizing the other parent is so helpful in blessing your child and will go a long way to paving the road to a healthy friendship with your son or daughter as an adult.
