Faith and Reason
I do believe that the issue of faith will surface again as it did in earlier struggles about who is appropriate to date and be married to. Later it may come up in talking about the validity of the Bible, creation, and evolution. The summary of today's conversation is "how much do you take what you read in Scripture and bring it into life as a human being with five senses and an ability to reason?" How much is knowledge and reason worth if it stops you from really living?
Blaise "Pascal's wager" (b.1623- d.1662) is an analogy of taking a step of faith to gambling.
"Let us then examine this point and say: either God is or he is not. But to which side shall we incline? Reason can determine nothing here. There is an infinite chaos that separates us. At the extremity of this infinite distance, a game is being played in which heads or tails will turn up. How will you wager? You have not rational grounds for choosing either way or rejecting either alternative."
Pascal is talking about believing in God, which I know you do. And I know that you pray to him. You can apply this to believe Jesus is who He said He was in Scriptures and who other people said/say He is. Or you could say that Jesus (a historical person) was a liar (misleading lots of people) or deluded and mad. The first step of faith that agrees I am a sinner in need of grace is not faith really, just reason. The second step, to believe that Jesus, God's Son, came to not just show me the way to live, but to be the Way to the Father. He himself claimed to be the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14.6). To accept His righteousness as your own, a priceless gift extended to you by the loving Father - the giver of all good gifts (James 1.17) says a lot about your relationship with God.
I question the value of reason when it stops you from accepting the gift. A calculated wager considers the stakes. Pascal finishes the discourse with:
"I tell you that as a result you will gain in this life, and that, at each step you take on this road, you will see such a great certainty of gain and so much nothingness in what you risk, that you will at last recognize that you have wagered for something certain and infinite, for which you have given nothing."
You are waging on the truth of what is written in 66 books written over a period of 1500 some years. Many of its prophecies were fulfilled years or centuries later, some are still yet to come. Much of what was written was about the immediate times and people, and some of it was about the distant or immediate past (i.e. Genesis and Exodus).
To me the Bible describes the nature of reality and appeals to all five senses better than anything I know of. We are challenged to taste and see that the Lord is good in Ps 34.8. He enabled people to see (know) and hear Him, while others were/are deaf and blind to his teachings. Jesus invited Thomas to touch his hands and side. The fragrance of Christ is something described in the Song of Songs. God appeals to our senses through His beautiful world - the lushness and fragrances of the Botanic Gardens in late August; the earthiness of a bowl of chili and fresh bread in the fall; the maples slowly turning red in Cherry Creek; birds singing in chorus before sunrise in April; and the soft, warm body of your child sleeping on a December night.
The truth is my finite reasoning will only take you so far. As you said (and so did Job) - a stillborn infant has a lot less grief and a delightful eternity without all the struggles you have gone through. They didn't need knowledge or reason to be with God forever in Heaven. Life has been hard at times; some of the lessons you have learned have made you a better person. So maybe life is about growth, the pleasures of getting to know God and enjoying Him forever.
I challenge you to spend some time to read less than a page - 1 Corinthians 1 in the New Testament. Think about the gamble of holding on to your finite knowledge and reason versus taking a step of faith. What have you got to gain?
References:
1. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/Amplified-Bible-AMP/
2. Pascal, Blaise (1658) Pensees, p. 212-213, edited and translated by Roger Ariew, 2004.