Substance Abusing Ex and Childcare
What to do when you are leaving your children or grandchildren with a parent who is abusing prescription drugs, alcohol or illegal drugs? One of the best things I read recently that speaks to this heart-wrenching situation is in How Al-Anon Works: for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (2008). Chapter 11 addresses forgiveness, loving and detachment. Detachment is defined as separating yourself emotionally and spiritually from another person. It is the beginning of a healthy sense of knowing yourself and the end of obsession. It means that you know where you end and the other person begins.
Probably one of the most valuable things I have learned about detachment was something I heard at an Al-Anon meeting this summer. If you love someone who is a substance abuser there may be several variations of detachment that you cycle through - anger, indifference and loving. In the beginning you may be angry, in a righteous way, about what these children are going through and how the abusive parent is neglectful of good parenting practices. Possibly after awhile, you may become indifferent, because you have been wounded by this parent so much that you have become numb or withdrawn.
Jesus I think would favor loving detachment. It can be shown in speaking the truth in love. Love also looks like thinking the best of the other person (1 Cor 13). If you are not aware of where you end and the other person begins, you may assign evil motives to someone, thinking that you understand their thoughts and emotions. Many times you will find yourself wrong and positively guilty of incorrect blame and accusations even if you are present and witness what’s happening. Kind honesty can help build bridges. Start by saying, “when you do _____, I feel _____.” Other times, you detach emotionally by leaving the room, the house, or diving into a consuming activity like your work.
Many times the source of your anger is fear. Rightfully you would step in to reduce harm if there is evidence of physical or sexual abuse. That would be putting anger to good use. However, even though neglect is abuse, most family members would hesitate to separate children from such a parent. Instead you probably would attempt to meet the child’s needs as much as you have contact with them. Each situation is different and the final call is between you and God.
Finally, reflect on what “minding my own business” looks like for both a parent or grandparent. It may mean you stop living through others. Perhaps to maintain connection, you choose to offer a safe place where the child's needs are met as much as you are able. Praying when they are out of your care and maintaining some distance from the abusing parent may be the way to maintain your sense of integrity and self. After all, you are keeping inventory of your own growth areas - remembering you can only “change the person under your own (hair)do.”
Detachment is ultimately letting God be God. Knowing that you cannot be present at all times, nor are you capable of knowing what is best as well as God does. The next step is trusting Him. Trusting that He is acting out of His infinite love and mercy on behalf of the precious child(ren) He has gifted your life with. I cannot even imagine how difficult that may become. Peace and prayers be with you as you seek His help and guidance through these times.
