Betrayal and Forgiveness
Betrayal and Forgiveness
February 24, 2019
Forgiveness. May the Lord make His presence known as you take this difficult journey.
In Healing from Infidelity: The Role of Covenantal Forgiveness (Sauerheber and Ponton, 2017) the authors related that most couples who come for counseling after infidelity are desiring reconciliation. Recognition, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption define the process of healing in a covenant relationship. Next time I will discuss how reconciliation and forgiveness are different. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible.
Unfortunately, most couples wait seven years before they seek outside professional help.
It becomes evident during counseling, that in various ways, both parties are responsible for the roles they have played in the breakdown of their relationship, as well as their choices of giving and receiving forgiveness. Each is also personally responsible for their commitment to reconciliation.
What does the forgiveness process look like? In counseling, we will begin with your history via the intake forms and then delve into the present. I use an assessment tool called Prepare/Enrich which each partner completes separately – at different times or places. This tool is used to reveal personalities and rework important personal and family dynamics.
The family of origin differences
Personal history after leaving home
Marriage satisfaction
Behavior, communication and conflict management patterns.
What is each person looking for in the relationship and what is each person willing to give.
Brief therapy tends to cut to the chase in the first session, which works well for a sense of immediate relief. It has been used by more than one military chaplain working with distressed couples.
The forgiveness process:
Explore the “should or should not have” behaviors, words, and practices.
Name accidental experiences that have caused relational distance (care for a dying parent, miscarriage, a missing child, job loss, work-related separation, etc.).
What is the actual betrayal history?
Remember when you last had fun together and/or focused on the other person’s needs? Next comes what can be both emotionally intense and sometimes the “fun” part of your work as a couple.
Some exercises to soothe emotional pain:
Looking into each other's eyes without talking or doing anything else - for a minute or two (this can bring tears to your eyes)
Non-sexual touching
Sitting next to each other
Talking about your personal story
Reattachment involves:
Trusting the words of the betrayer.
Trusting the intuition of the betrayed.
Restoring respect and trust
Reviewing positive shared history as a couple
Ultimately you will arrive at the stage of resolution. Will you both choose to stay together after all the time you have invested and all the work you have done?
To begin walking in the same direction it is useful to develop similar perceptions of your story together. Infidelity is part of your story. You can strive to understand how your actions made the other person vulnerable to an affair; what circumstances triggered the affair. Together you can make changes and grow from each other’s insights.
If you choose to divorce, then your work does not have to be wasted. Perhaps in the process, you have restored a level of trust and respect which will facilitate future relations beneficial to your children. Having gone down this path, I pray for His guidance and a flame of hope to rise in your soul as you lean into the Lord during this very hard time.
References and resources:
Arnold, Johann C. (2010) Why Forgive? Mary Knoll, NY: Orbis.
Carder, David. (2014) Betrayal in Marriage: A Five-step Recovery Model. Christian Counseling Today, 22, 46-48.
Kim, Jichan J. & Enright, Robert. (2015) Why Reconciliation Is Not a Component of Forgiveness: A Response to Frise and McMinn. Journal of Psychology & Christianity, 34,19-25.
Worthington Jr., Everett L. (1999) Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling. Downer’s Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
