Anger, Anxiety and Deep Forgiveness
It was Mother’s Day 2013 and the Holy Spirit had convicted me it was time to make peace with my mother. After all, I was in my 50’s and working on a masters in counseling at Denver Seminary; not to mention my mom and I were both Christians. That actually was the sore point. I felt as if she had never accepted me as a sister-in-Christ. Perhaps it was because I had struggled for years with obeying the commandment to honor my parents.
In his book Good News for Bad Days: Living a Soulful Life (1998). Keenan talks about the struggle to resolve conflict and find forgiveness. He says that part of the problem with forgiving others and ourselves is the need to be right.
A leading expert in the field of Forgiveness Therapy (2015), Robert D. Enright spells out the definition of forgiveness:
“People, on rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right ) and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the wrongful act or acts, has no right).”
Enright believes anger can feed unforgiveness. Anger focused on the other person or group, may lead to patterns of annoyance with innocent people, may be intense and staying in a passive or aggressive way, and may be acted out in an age-inappropriate way. He goes on to say that as we increasingly forgive, anger from past hurts decreases, and anxiety, mistrust, and insecurity seem to have less of an impact on the present ( p. 138).
His method for treating unforgiveness shows four phases people cycle through: uncovering, decision, work and deepening. This will take time. Journaling is a way to reflect on the meaning of forgiveness, the person or people that hurt you, the depth of your anger, how it has altered with time and how your perceptions of the offender have altered.
Uncovering – the injustice, painful emotions and ways your life is compromised.
Decision – a commitment to forgive.
Work – to think, feel and act beneficently towards the other.
Deepening – making sense of all this pain and facing whether I need forgiveness.
My sister Sonia called that Mother’s Day morning and let me know what was happening. Sonia would not be coming. My son Peter and I walked in with flowers to wish her well, My mother was in ICU hooked up to a heart monitor with the reading oscillating between 60 and 170 bpm; she looked old and weak. We had some time to chit chat and then Peter left the room.
If I didn’t say anything, when would my heart be clear? I needed to forgive my mother. Graciously God enabled my mama to hear about my wound without voicing any denials or reproaches. That was a new thing! The Holy Spirit washed over me like a river; the current swept away a family legacy of grudge-bearing and unhealthy competition for affection that I had been faltering under. I truly wished her well. When Peter and I walked out of the hospital, I felt lighter and cleaner than I had in years. Thank you Jesus, You were there.
References:
Arnold, J.C. (2012) Why Forgive? Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books,
Enright, R.D. and Fitzgibbons, R.P. (2015) Forgiveness Therapy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
Keenan, P. (1998) Good News for Bad Days: Living a Soulful Life. NYC, NY: Warner Books.
