Trust, who deserves it?
ABUSE + TRAUMA, ANGER, FAITH, FORGIVENESS
“I don't trust people who don't love themselves and tell me, 'I love you.' ... There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
― Maya Angelou
Where do you start after someone has left your reeling with cold or sharp words intended to cut you down? Maybe they even wanted to sever your relationship. After a great deal of journaling, unsent letters and emails you are in a better place. Maybe all those prayers, burying yourself in work and going to AA instead of reaching for a glass of comfort are working. You have gone through the grief process and come to a place of acceptance of the person and circumstances as they are. You have chosen to forgive and move on with life. How do you trust again?
Perhaps life begins again as you practice trusting your intuition. Intuition is sometimes called having a gut feeling. The Holy Spirit constantly works through my intuition. He nudges me to step out in ways that are good but not always easy. When I feel inspired to act out of love instead of anger, that is definitely the Holy Spirit. When I choose to trust again, that is God!
Trust involves evaluating whether outcome or relationship matters most. Trust values relationship. A wise friend of mine suggested that you can trust certain people with certain things. So trusting the teller at the credit union to accurately enter a transaction; or the server to bring your order to you is a baby step of trust. When you begin, you can go where you know that certain words will not be repeated or used against you. Perhaps your trust can be extended to God or where you are protected with confidentiality i.e. counseling, your spiritual mentor, or other contexts such as groups like AA, Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery.
When you start trusting someone in your life, some qualities to consider are:
What is their understanding of God and life?
How available are they?
What are their intentions?
What is their response to your texts, phone calls, invitations? Is there give and take?
How do they respond in difficult situations?
How is truth offered? - I prefer kind to brutal honesty.
Vulnerability is very much a part of relationship, but inappropriate vulnerability can lead to disconnection. Remember the level of intimacy the person you are talking to is capable of and the context you are in. Who wants to be known well, so they are not misunderstood. I do! Perhaps a quiet and removed context with a more reserved person would be better than grabbing the chatty person in the chair next to you.
To have no expectations or low ones does a disservice to a person. I expect and believe that God does surround us with people to offer us His love. Keeping my eyes open to what God is doing in relationships and the beauty of the world that He has created is what I choose to do. The truth is that there are probably few if any people who will know us as well as God does, care about us and still expect the best of us; it takes a lifetime. And it takes the give and take of love. Trusting He is in control and filtering everything through his loving fingers, as my friend Lori says, is my foundation for trusting again.
