Healing the Hidden Wounds: How to Recognize Trauma Stemming from Neglect
This is the first of a series on neglect and how it is associated with trauma. Let’s start out with what neglect can look like in family relationships. One children’s fantasy comedy film called Matilda released in 1996, has glaring examples of neglect. Her parents ignore her physical and emotional needs from the time she is delivered at the hospital. Matilda learns how to feed and dress herself early on. She develops into a social being by taking herself to the library and reading volumes of books before her parents finally enroll her in school. The story is inspirational for children, but it is a fantasy.
The realities of neglect are that people will rarely come in for counseling knowing they have been neglected. The reasons for this are integral to the effects of neglect. Up to age eight children feel overly responsible for everything that happens to them. Emotional neglect results in experiencing the pain of not being valued. Traumatic neglect brings up the fear of not having your basic needs met. Social neglect can be systemic, i.e. living in the confines of poverty, or societal , such as facing sexism, racism, homophobia, or classicism. People adapt by joining with individuals and groups that see them and avoiding people that don’t, but many times continue to tolerate the results of previous experiences.
How can someone tell that a person has been neglected? One quick way teachers identify neglect is when children come to school dirty, with dirty mismatched clothes, are underweight, or see minimal parent interaction. Similarly in adults, neglect manifests outwardly, but is usually apparent in behaviors. You will avoid eye contact, keep your distance, feel numb or anesthetized emotions, and avoid getting attention. Adults that have been neglected are not comfortable being cared for. Are you having difficulty prioritizing yourself?
How can trauma therapy help? A therapist who is informed about treatment for neglect will proceed with different strategies because clients who have experienced neglect have an underdeveloped executive function of the brain. Someone who has not had the social center of their brain activated through good enough care lacks cognitive skills. When clients learn mindfulness, emotional regulation and new behaviors in response to distress - they can grow and heal from the wounds of neglect. You will begin to recognize people’s emotions and intentions by looking into their eyes. Instead of shutting down, called hypoarousal, you can choose to respond to people in new ways.
Next week, we will look at some self-care you can do to help yourself recover from neglect. This is a process, just like any type of emotional and mental health recovery. In Matilda, the fantasy is what makes it possible for her to do remarkable, impossible things. If you are teen experiencing social or societal neglect, you can find help in healthy friendships with a teacher, coach, peer, friend, friend’s parent, at church youth groups or with a neighbor. You can also go to your community mental health center. As an adult the options are broader. You can find a support group online or start one on Facebook or Meetup. With more financial resources you can see a private practice therapist.
If you are still lacking the care you need, call 720-577-5985 for a free 15-minute consultation.
