Embracing Authentic Love: Codependency Recovery and Christian Counseling
Are you stuck in a relationship that reminds you of how your parents interacted? Is your partner very much like your parent who was emotionally sick? Are you compelled to fix and rescue your partner?
You find yourself controlling external things such as other people’s behaviors or circumstances. You may find yourself arranging things all the time so the other person enjoys the outcome, i.e. feels peace. These actions are many times done by a nice person. You don’t have to be a narcissist or sociopath to be codependent.
What is codependency?
What does a codependent person look like? Melody Beatty describes them as someone who has let another person’s behavior affect them, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. Maybe you have subconsciously married someone who is like your parent to resolve that past relationship or take vengeance on that parent. What if the solution is in managing your own thoughts and behaviors?
You have normal, human needs to feel stable and accomplish your goals by asking for help. What’s problematic is that you don’t know how to be independent. You’re feeling responsible for the feelings and actions of loved ones. In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) language, you are standing inside someone else’s hula hoop.
Codependency shows up as feeling incomplete without the other person. It’s nice to be in a good relationship, but the truth is that your whole life is not wrapped up in a relationship with another person. Your identity may have become confused. You feel insecure in your identity and don’t feel confident without someone. You believe your life will end if that other person is gone.
Warning signs of co-dependency.
Red flags can be people who are controlling, manipulative, aggressive, unkind, or prone to addictive behaviors. These are familiar types of relationships too. Be brave to say, “I’m not comfortable in this type of relationship.” Be mindful to pay attention to these red flags in yourself and others:
Lack of objectivity
Excessive sense of responsibility for someone
Recognizing someone easy to control or controlling with others
Deeply held anger or guilt
Live by the motto of “selfishness is the greatest sin”
Giving yourself is part of your identity
How to stop the cycle of codependency in a God-honoring way?
Have you learned to trust your judgment? You could have grown up in a family where you were not allowed to make choices. Do you let other people make choices for you to make them happy? The solution could be to discover the person God made you to be in Christ. You can recognize what is in your control and what you need to surrender to God’s capable and trustworthy hands.
The goal is to have a healthy give-and-take in relationships; it’s called reciprocity. It being able to say what you need, ask for it, and be honest about your feelings. How do you practice these things? Look for more on recovery in this series on authentic love and Christian counseling.
Co-dependency and Christian counseling
If you are feeling stuck in your work on co-dependency, call your Christian counselor in Denver at 720-577-5985 for a free 15-minute consultation.
Resources:
Beattie, Melody. CoDependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (1992). Hazelden Publishing (2nd Edition).
Hemfelt, R., Minirth, F., & Meier, P., Love is a Choice: Recovery for Codependent Relationships (2017). Audible Originals by Amazon.
