Disengaging so that you can love well.

Does this idea seem like nonsense? Let me unpack disengaging for those that are enmeshed with their qualifiers - those people we are trying to control for “their own good.” A qualifier in Al-Anon is the name for the substance abuser, the person that triggers you. Enmeshed means you don’t know where they end and you begin. 

One morning in an Al-Anon session, I learned a valuable lesson that helps me cope with the guilt I sometimes feel for being one of the reasons for my qualifier’s substance abuse issues. There are several ways of emotionally disengaging:

• Angry or fearful

• Indifferent

• Loving

Angry or fearful disengagement can be automatic go-tos when we have a strong bond with someone. Their behavior is damaging the relationship or perhaps literally hurting us physically, emotionally and financially. This might be the first step to self-care. 

Indifferent disengagement can develop over time when the hurt Is repeatedly inflicted. Having someone apologize and say they will change is effective only when change Is apparent. Warm feelings have died down; which may be an adaptive form of self-protection. 

The final option I want to offer is loving disengagement. In long-term relationships, such as those between spouses or parents and children, loving disengagement is a means to nurture the relationship while taking care of ourselves. 

Remember Luke’s parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10). The caretaker stops to invest emotionally and physically in the injured person’s wellbeing for a time and then pays the innkeeper to provide the rest of the care. The good Samaritan tells the innkeeper he will return and pay for any extra care. Here is an example of offering care without being emotionally depleted. In daily relationships, loving disengagement will look different. On a day to day basis, you can offer the love you have several ways. 

• Pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit and seek wise advice before reacting.

• Remove yourself from a disagreement, promising to come back to it at an appointed time and place. 

• Don’t ignore the situation - use the difficult tactic of speaking the truth in love, instead of anger.

• Avoid isolating from your support system and keeping secrets.

• Determine how you will get the food, sleep and exercise you need to be healthy.

• Loving yourself could mean removing yourself physically.

The support at Al-Anon is invaluable in recognizing how out of control your situation is and the steps to take to recognize your own role in the cycle of addiction. You take another step back for perspective and some humility. Consider that the qualifier “may be right” in some of their thinking and actions. What if something you are doing causes the qualifier a lot of pain? The steps in Al-Anon are virtually identical to those in AA. You will eventually take a moral inventory of yourself, be willing to change and ask God to change you. In working the steps, you will quickly acknowledge and apologize when you are wrong and make reparations when it doesn’t cause harm. As you nurture your relationship with God, you will become a more whole person and allow room for the other person to recover. Bless you in your work.