Being a Helper: Understand Yourself
You should do the right thing - simply because that is it’s own reward. If joy comes - that’s an added blessing. Right?
It was a weekend in Antalya, Turkey at a host’s house; while they were out and about, that I first dipped my toe into the idea of pursuing pleasure as essential to pursuing God. I found in the bathroom reading - The Dangerous Duty of Delight by John Piper. Unlike Piper - I now see this as less of a command to feel (guilt if I don’t), and more than ever an invitation. It reminds me of the lovers in Song of Songs 2.10-13 - “Arise my darling. Come away, my beautiful one. For now the winter is past; the rain has ended and gone away. The blossoms appear in the countryside. The time of singing has come, . . . the blossoming vines give off their fragrance.”
There’s a show on Amazon now - Srugim - about the dating scene for religious (pray, celebrate the Sabbath, talk, date, cook, eat and dress in a sanctified way) and non-religious Jews in Jerusalem’s “swamp.” A speed dating incident begins the sad relationship between Nati - a busy and self-centered young doctor, and Yifati - a woman who is more than willing to accommodate him. How was she being a true helper when she was suppressing a range of feelings; doing whatever it took to be available? I know that God’s offer of relationship is nothing like this. He doesn’t invite us into a relationship in order to hold back his love and use us for our gifts or possessions, or worse to ignore us. He is not some Pollyanna either.
Let’s start with the Enneagram to see Richard Rohr’s interpretation of the Helper (2) looks like.
Type Two - The Need to Be Needed
Twos have the ability for compassion and presence. They are the ones that are likely to give the shirt off their backs to help others. The dark side of twos shows up in immature times as being judgmental or calculating. When they are in a normal place - they are ambitious or conformist. Twos have a need to be liked and validated. They often feel insecure and conditionally loved. In their families they have experienced role reversal with their parents. Giving emotional support to a parent when they are still children is a terrible thing calling being “parentized.”
So what does a real helper look like? A real helper is a healthy person that does not latch on to the next person that flashes them a smile. It’s ok to not like everyone and to be disliked - that is reality. One of the goals of mental health is to experience the full range of emotions - not just the “hypocritical” American go-getter. Faking it, until they make it. Saying unbelievable things like “I don’t experience fear.” A real helper speaks the truth with love when there’s a disagreement; instead of skirting the truth at the root of a conflict in order to avoid discomfort and personal growth.
Being a helper can be a real pain. My pain began in high school The Strong Aptitude test results showed that I was headed to be a social worker or pastor. I said no way because I had started thinking that my faith was incompatible with dating. I almost became an atheist, something my dad agreed with. The need to be liked and validated can be really self-destructive. The opposite - to not like anyone and to disagree with everyone doesn’t seem sustainable. Amazing how being a helper can become cold and mechanical at that point.
In conclusion, where are helpers headed as they become healthy and Christ-like (all those professionals serving in hospitals, fire stations, the military . . .)? A simple summary of a healthy helper in Rohr’s Enneagram is a person who is friendly and encouraging. When Rohr describes Jesus as a two he begins with the name Jesus which means “Yaweh saves.” Jesus relieved the physical and spiritual suffering of people. He was not helpless; but powerful in His ministry. He took care of his own needs for rest, solitude, prayer, food and drink. He answered people’s false accusations - challenged them to know and live the truth. He explained himself. He set people free from their “hurts, habits, and hang-ups” as Celebrate Recovery says. Addictions to money, fame, and sex were challenged. Jesus felt love, compassion, sorrow, anger, kindness, forgiveness, joy, celebration and solidarity with people. He knew people’s weaknesses and empowered them to grow. People got final say in whether they followed his teaching or not. Finally He put himself in His Father’s capable and loving hands - despite the ultimate sacrifice on the cross.
You say - I cannot love like that. You’re right. It takes a lifetime of failures sometimes. Give up. That’s when you start seeking the love that only the Holy Spirit can cause to flow. like streams of living water out of you. You’ll know that it was too brilliant to be your own idea, too strong and pure to be you. It was inspired. In the moment. That is the Holy Spirit working through you. He is the true Helper and you become your true self when you surrender to His love and wisdom. Life as a helper will become real!
