Trauma Symptoms: How to handle anger with courage when it feels dangerous.
Anger keeps close to the surface with you every hour of every day. You are feeling exhausted from constantly lashing out at everyone, or just about everyone you’ll encounter today. You are desensitized, lack empathy, for who’s in your way of getting what you want. Beware customer service people! You are scaring yourself and the person you are becoming. Or is it you that are the victim of someone’s constant anger. How much more can you take?
Someone else’s anger?
You see that look on someone’s face. Before they even open their mouth, you’re certain you’re about to hear something devaluing, disrespectful and maybe even hateful. That makes you want to shut down and disappear if you can. Other times the boss's anger melts your heart from fear of losing your job. It can be so disappointing when the other person knows they have a problem and you’ve heard the promises to change. You chose to believe them a while back, but not any more.
People most likely to be traumatized by anger are victims of violence; it could be childhood sexual abuse, parents’ accidental death or suicide; ritual religious or satanic abuse, domestic violence, rape and revolution/war. To understand more broadly the severe effects of trauma take a look at https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/related/anger.asp. For learning more see the VA classes for PTSD on VHA TRAIN) or a PTSD or trauma blog on this website.
Your anger?
What if you realize you have a problem with anger and at times have hurt your spouse, your children, your partner with your words or actions? You are becoming scary. The benefit is it makes you feel in control and safe. It’s become a series of walls that leave you feeling frustrated, alone and out-of-control. You’ve actually thought about leaving your family or job. You actually want more connection, not less. Change feels hopeless, you’ve tried to change so many times.Your constant anger is like an addiction.
How to handle dangerous anger?
Dangerous anger is the kind where you feel afraid of or for yourself, or the other person(s). Feeling disempowered and hopeless can lead to self-harming. Decide whether the anger is someone else's' yours, or both. Own the feelings that are yours and take responsibility for what you say, how you say it and what you do. Let the other person handle their lane on the road. You can use a few de-escalation techniques (can be used on yourself as well) such as:
Speak to the person in a late-night radio talk show voice. Soft, low and slow.
Apologize for your mistakes. Be sincere. Be kind. Be humble.
Take a couple of deep breaths and relax any tension in your body.
Pray silently for help/wisdom from God.
Agree to leave the room for 5 minutes or half an hour and come back to the disagreement at the appointed time after taking a walk to clear your mind and calm yourself.
LIstening well to the other person is key. Use calm reflective listening (repeat/rephrase what you just heard accurately, with that person’s point of view in mind) so others are aware that you heard what they said.
Ask what they have tried to resolve their frustration or their problem.
As a last resort reach for an emergency number on your phone for nearby help or excuse yourself to use the bathroom, make a getaway if necessary at that point.
These steps can be effectively used by mental health professionals and first responders for scary situations; when anger feels threatening and you sense possible harm to yourself.
When you’ve had time to step away and think about what happen consider some tools The Center for Non-Violent Communication offers for handling anger all around. A couple of suggestions are:
Determine what needs are not being met for you (https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) instead of blaming/naming what the other person “needs to change.”
No matter how realistic the expectation is, how can you meet your needs in positive ways, besides expecting your family, friends or boss to meet those needs? Maybe they just don’t have it in them for whatever reason.
How anger can be useful?
Anger helps us cope with life's stresses by giving us energy to keep going in the face of danger or trouble. Anger is an emotion that can identify our unmet needs and help us do self-care to meet those needs. Anger’s energy can be used to make positive changes in your life and a growth opportunity. Growing pains can be tiresome, but consider your values and maybe it’s worth it for you and those around you to take a step in becoming the beautiful person you’re designed to become.
Resources:
Lerner, Harriet G., Ph.D, The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, 1985 Harper and Row NYC, NY.
Warren, Neil C., Make Anger your Ally, 1990 Focus on the Family Publishing Co. Springs, CO.
Klein, S. and Gibson, N., What’s Making you Angry? 10 Steps to Transforming Anger So Everyone Wins, 2003 Puddle Dancer Press, Encinitas CA.
Begin trauma treatment in the central Denver today.
If you are ready to start recognizing your anger as a signal of unmet needs, call 720-577-5985 or schedule online for a free 15-minute consultation. For more about trauma therapy in central Denver look here. You can also find more at my contact and home page.
