Spouse or ex with substance abuse issue: How to protect the children.
What to do when you are leaving your children or grandchildren with a parent who is abusing illicit or prescription drugs, or alcohol? What kind of attitude would be helpful toward this person? One of the best things I learned that can be applied to many heart-wrenching situations is called loving detachment.
Detachment is separating yourself emotionally and spiritually from another person. It is the beginning of a healthy sense of knowing yourself and the end of practicing controlling or obsessive behavior. It means that you learn where you end and the other person begins. If you love someone who is a substance abuser there may be several variations of detachment that you cycle through - anger, indifference, and loving. You may be angry, in a righteous way, about what these children are going through and how the abusive parent is ignorant or neglectful of good parenting practices. You may sometimes be indifferent because you have been wounded by this parent so much that you have become numb or withdrawn.
Many times the source of your anger is fear. Rightfully you would step in to reduce harm if there is evidence of physical or sexual abuse. That would be putting anger to good use. Even though neglect is abuse, most family members hesitate to separate children from such a parent. Instead, you probably would attempt to meet the child’s needs as much as you have contact with them. Each situation is different and the final call on how to protect our children is between you and God.
I think Jesus would favor loving detachment. This is an attitude that requires speaking the truth in love. Love also looks like thinking the best of the other person (1 Cor 13). If you are not aware of where you end and the other person begins, you may assign wrong motives to the substance abuse, thinking that you understand their filters which bring about thoughts and emotions. This can lead to false accusations and blame. Kind honesty can help build bridges.
Finally, reflect on what “minding my own business” looks like for both a parent or grandparent. Perhaps to maintain connection, you choose to offer a safe place where the child's needs are met as much as you are able. Praying when they are out of your care and maintaining some distance from the abusing parent may be the way to maintain your sense of integrity and self. After all, you are keeping inventory of your own growth areas - remembering you can only change yourself.
Detachment is ultimately letting God be God. Knowing that you cannot be present at all times, nor are you capable of knowing what is best as well as God does, the next step is trusting Him. Trusting that He is acting out of His infinite love and mercy to protect your kids when they are not in your care. This is going to take a lot of prayer and perhaps some wise counsel. For additional support call 720-577-5985 to book a free 15 minute consultation.
