Protect Yourself from Trauma and Start a New Relationship Too. First Steps with a Christian counselor.
You’re asking yourself, is it possible to do both at the same time? To protect yourself and start a new relationship, that’s something your body may be telling you is wrong. You feel your heart beat faster, your shoulders, throat, and neck tense, and your ears may feel stuffed with cotton. Wait a minute.
Breathe
Take a deep breath, inhale to the count of 5, and exhale counting 6-10. Do this a few times and you will feel your back muscles release, experience an automatic deep exhale or sigh, and go into your relaxed posture. Instead of slumping, increase oxygen flow to your body and brain;it up straight and feel yourself get back to a normal pace of breathing. How do you feel now?
Text yourself instead of blurting out what you’re thinking/feeling.
Write down what you are feeling/thinking that may or may not be helpful. Sometimes texting the whole truth and sending the text to yourself is a great way to circumvent new relationship damage. Rewrite it a few times before you decide if it’s a good idea to send it. Pray about it. In the end, you may want to burn or shred what you wrote.
Prayer, talking to God and Christian counseling for trauma treatment.
Invite God into what’s going on in your head. You may feel like you are just talking to yourself, but remember that He is present everywhere and for you in this moment. Learn to be quiet and listen. Expect Him to answer.
Leave for a little bit.
So some of the steps I am going to recommend you is to leave the situation or the room, taking a bathroom break, walking around the block, or sitting in the car. Discuss with the person or people when you’ll be back; leaving calmly knowing you will get relief from a few moments alone or with God. This is less stressful to everybody and better than a sudden, unexplained departure.
You are learning coping behaviors that may look and feel strange, especially if this is your first date or group activity in a while. The anxiety from your trauma has triggered the flight vs fight response. So you are giving yourself the space to leave for a time to deal with the anxiety, grief, or anger. Instead of doing or saying something too heavy to process with people you don't know, take a break. After letting yourself experience these feelings alone, you may be more able to reconnect with whomever you’re with.
A few DBT skills for safe coping.
The following ways to cope safely are from Marcia M. Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2nd Ed., Guilford Press, NYC, NY 2015):
Unsafe coping vs Safe coping
Use substances vs Asking for help
Hurt yourself (eg., cutting) vs Take good care of your body
Let someone harm you vs Set a boundary in a relationship
Act on impulse vs Rethink the situation
Who to trust with what.
Boundaries in a relationship look like deciding what you can trust with whom. Trust is built through knowing a person, not relying on the context or the profession of that person to define them. It can be instant, you know it’s safe; usually trust. takes time. The Holy Spirit uses your intuition as a tool for discernment. The goal is to make you more aware of your needs and then find a way to meet those needs with the right person. In dire circumstances and daily life, what you choose may be just between you and God. You are learning to gain control over your thinking, and your feelings and increase your functioning.
Find a Christian counselor, a spiritual and/or psychological mentor for trauma therapy in Denver CO.
Select a mentor such as a spiritual director, 12-step sponsor, or a counselor, to help guide you through the messy stuff. Some Christian professionals will align with your beliefs. They can guide you through the growing pains and into a healing relationship with yourself, God, and others. Counseling can be an opportunity to try out new behaviors and responses. Maybe start with your pastor and seek a referral if your trauma work is not in their skillset.
Celebrate Recovery or GriefShare may be for you.
Many times the last step in connecting, but it is probably the safest and simplest. Join a group that shares (2-3 minutes) their experiences of life, strength, and hope without discussing details of their trauma. This is the way 12-step groups are set up. You don’t have to show up every time to benefit, but saying something thoughtful helps your mental health and how the group learns to help each other.
You can start Christian counseling in Denver, CO for trauma treatment this week.
Hopefully, you have found one new tool and can try it out the next time you feel yourself wanting to disengage. Believe that you can overcome the effects of the trauma; you can take good care of yourself. You can learn to trust and rely on some of the people close to you for certain things. If you want to learn more about trauma treatment and relationships look here or give me a call to book a free 15-minute consultation.
