Money - Men and Women
Remember when you first started going out with someone and you felt so loved because they were spending lavish amounts of money on meals together? Have things changed about who pays since the 70’s? I was thinking that it somewhat aligns with your age group and your culture - region of the country, ethnicity, profession, and religious background. I found out I was wrong.
In a Psych Today posting (Patrick, 2017), Dr. Patrick writes that expectations have not changed all that much. On the first date, men and women both are thinking that the man should pay. In addition, men’s expectations depend on the price tag and the venue for the meal. In other words, if they pay for an expensive meal in a more intimate restaurant, men have higher sexual expectations than if they go to a public space such as the movies or the local sports bar.
Giving gifts is definitely a love language spoken using money. But according to Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages (1995) constant gift-giving, whether the gifts cost anything or are free, is what means so much to the recipient when their love language is Receiving Gifts. So money can be used to show interest in someone, but it is not always effective.
One of the 10 core scales in Prepare/Enrich, an assessment and counseling tool used for dating and married couples, is Financial Management. This goes to show the importance of money in relationship dynamics. I am guessing it is many times the reason for cohabitation. Not surprisingly, conflicts about money are said to be the cause of over 50% of divorces.
How do you show love when it comes to money matters? The most compelling answer is communication. Many couples come to counseling and ask for help with communication and conflict resolution skills. Dave Ramsey in Christian Counseling Today (vol.23 no. 3) believes that married couples can work together for positive results in money management. In fact, he believes it can save marriages. Dave teaches that men see money as a scorecard of their value, and women see it as a security blanket. Spenders vs. savers, or accountants vs. visionaries are some of the things that are at the root of our money differences. He recommends coming up with a plan that works for both of you - write down your own goals, fears and dreams. When you work to align your values; cooperation and a unified goal works wonders.
Ron Blue (Christian Counseling Today, vol. 23 no. 3) - a nationally known financial planner that has spoken about money matters to a US congressional committee - has a very simple summary of how to reduce money conflicts in relationships. These five habits come out his understanding of the Bible:
Spend less than you earn.
Give generously.
Avoid debt.
Plan for financial margin.
Set long-term goals.
Ron reiterates what Dave Ramsey said. When you talk about money, remember decisions are not his or hers, but OURS, and the outcome will be different. Next week’s blog will be about more values behind money issues - stewardship, contentment, faith, and wisdom.
References:
Patrick, Wendy L. (2017) Who Pays for a First Date? Why it Matters? How paying for a first date could affect expectations of what comes next. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201709/who-pays-first-date-why-it-matters
Chapman, G. (1995) The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
Ramsey, D. (2019) Money and Marriage: Working together for positive results, Christian Counseling Today, 23(3), 11-13.
Blue, R. (2019) A Framework for Eliminating Financial Conflict in Relationships. Christian Counseling Today, 23(3), 11-13.
