Holiday Conflicts
Thanksgiving is a mixed blessing, right? It’s hard to not be grateful for the lovely meal that most of us will have on the table. Christmas and the holidays follow soon after. Soon you will see an assortment of people, some you really enjoy, and maybe two or three that make you wonder whether you should be making the effort to connect. It could be a personality or cultural clash. Sometimes there are unresolved conflicts that stop you from wanting to say much more than a polite hello. Avoiding everyone completely may cause permanent rifts.
What can you do to prevent being blindsided? Let me suggest a few strategies. One thing that has worked for me many times in the past is to pray all the way to the event. Another strategy is hosting Thanksgiving, a meal or an open house at my place and inviting a lot of people, including strangers. Perhaps some of you have written a note or a letter in advance that soothes hurt feelings.
Could you write down things you have tried to feel heard besides saying how you want more reciprocity with both words (reflection on content and emotion of what X just said) and heart (receptivity, affection, curiosity, and response) when you disagree?
For those must-do holidays and particular people that unnerve you, some visualization and mindfulness may be helpful. Pretend you are on a river raft drifting towards the falls (an explosive argument). Write down all the signals that you are headed for danger. This will be a touchstone for you next time; to pay attention to those signals before you are at the edge of the falls. Maybe this is something to share with that person when things are peaceful. What do they see as the danger signals? Wouldn’t it be better to set a time to discuss your differences a day before or after the celebrations?
One habit that can be a sure means of heating up the argument with some individuals is feeling constantly interrupted. If being totally silent until the person is done with their thought leaves you shut down and the other person feeling shut out try something different. Maybe you can ask them how that worked for them when you could not respond? Remember your tone, you are trying to understand and be lovingly detached from the outcome. God has this situation in His loving, capable hands.
How long someone has the mic may depend on how much time you agree to spend on this topic. For example, if you agree to spend half an hour, with a few minutes opening and closing in silent prayer; what about 3 minutes per person? That give you four times to respond or say what’s on your mind. Plan another time and place to get back to the topic if you are not finished.
Some things do come up regardless of your preparations. You may diffuse the power of the elephant in the room (if you feel led by the Holy Spirit) by "putting it out on the table” in an unruffled way. I always know it's God if this step is something good and it's difficult. Speaking the truth in love is one of those things that takes wisdom and understanding. The Holy Spirit can give you the right words. Lately, I spend less time avoiding that step to reconciliation and consequently the words that God provides come easily and are absolutely brilliant - so much better than anything I could have come up with. Healing results. No more rehearsing arguments in my head. When you take a brief pause and pray for help, the Counselor promises to help you in the moment. Search the Scriptures for these promises.
Learning to love difficult people is a step of faith and an opportunity for immense growth. I will be praying that your holidays are full of lovely surprises and a sense of God’s presence and goodness. Give thanks and be encouraged!
