Divorce?
Did you ever imagine that you would be considering divorce for yourself and your children? When you have worked up your anger over the current state of your marriage, it is easy to find two scriptures that speak to the reasons for divorce. One is your spouse is being unfaithful (Matt 19.9). Jesus actually raised the bar for being faithful, he equated looking at another person with lust (desire) to adultery. The other reason is that your unbelieving spouse wants out (I Cor 7.13-14).
Today’s culture has added many items to the need-to-divorce list; the top two are physical abuse and substance use disorders (alcohol or drugs). As you weigh the pros and cons, soon it becomes a very complicated situation. This exercise is actually opposite of what Jesus intended when he spoke on divorce. His aim was to support marriage for a lifetime (Gen 2.23-24); the two becoming one flesh. Jesus was also protecting women from men who were divorcing them for any and every reason, leaving women and children impoverished and vulnerable.
When Joseph considered divorcing Mary for what he thought was adultery, Joseph was avoiding shaming her. How often do you see a someone quietly divorcing their spouse? Jesus paints a marvelous example of caring for the other person in Luke 6.31-34 (The Message).
“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount.”
Jesus raised the bar once more, demonstrating how clearly incapable we are of giving perfect love on our own. His goal is for us to come to Him when we are needy, lacking in our capacity to love, to receive His grace and mercy. That is the first step you can take as you wrestle with the question of divorce. It is better to focus on ways to love unilaterally; as demonstrated by the husband in the film Fireproof. Rebuilding trust involves showing up when you scheduled something, doing the things you promised, and being honest and open in a loving way. Healthy relationships are seasoned with compliments.
Many times individual counseling is the way to go until the couple is safe together. This all takes time. It may mean promising to keep hot topics to the counseling room, where communication and conflict resolution can be directed by a counselor or a seasoned mentoring couple. The goals are to understand, instead of winning, and learning how to listen, think through things and work together. Reciprocity, give and take, is a learned skill.
Various theories and techniques are popular in marriage and family therapy today. Susan Johnson’s EFT therapy moves couples into developing a deep emotional bond and has been found highly effective. A more recent trend in couples therapy has been to work in long sessions for days at a time or perhaps a week. This can involve group counseling with two therapists observing and stepping into the family systems to cause shifts in thinking and behavior. Brief counseling, solution-based, can be used in conjunction with an assessment tool such as Prepare/Enrich to identify strengths to leverage and where skills such as communication and conflict resolution can be practiced.
All these efforts can be dramatically supported by praying for each other and of course to the Lord for his intervention. He does promise to do more than we can ask or imagine (Eph 3.20). His Word also says that we can give thanks (that he is at work) when we pray and receive His peace (Phil 4.6-7). You can know that He anticipates our needs (Luke 12.22) and His shows His constant love by giving good and perfect gifts (James 1.17). May He bless you on this challenging journey.
